Not that there's anything wrong with that, but I feel all "holy shit" when I think about it. Not to mention that it brings to mind my own soon-to-be marriage, and -gulp- the idea of having a family.
It's no secret, though maybe it hasn't been brought up here, that I will probably never have children. I have this weird hormonal condition that causes peaks and drops in my hormone levels, to the point where if I ever did have an oops it would never...come to fruition, I guess.
Basically I'm all barbed wire and land mines inside.
I think I'm okay with that, but sometimes I wonder. Knowing the life that I lead (which tends to be very late-night and lazy, to be honest), it would be ridiculous to try and bring a baby into such. I'm mature enough to realize that I'm not mature enough to be a good parent. I think that the idea of it being an extremely uphill battle is....comforting, in a way.
Derek had a baby dream the other night. He woke up with a sleepy smile and told me all about it. I've only ever had ONE baby dream, and that had to have been at least six years ago. The next night we were laying in bed and I was almost asleep, and I murmured -
"...Derek?"
"Yeah?"
"What if we can't have babies? I mean, ever?"
He tightened his arm around me, and snuggled my back.
"It'll be ok. I promise."
With that, I let it be and drifted off to sleep.
Part of me can't just let it go, thinking that some day we might decide "ah, what the hell!" and go shooting for something that will probably be a lot more difficult than I can even fathom. I'm talking bovine hormones, taking temperatures, the whole bit. In the face of such, does one just accept it, and ultimately be ok with it?
Will I be ok with it? I think that's the more important question.
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